Plain talk

On a college football discussion board, where opinions are a dime a dozen, a poster interrupts the recruiting, coaching, and spring training conversations to seek advice on cohabitation with his girlfriend. He was richly rewarded. Here's a very small sample:

"Be clean. More clean than you think is necessary."

"You will find yourself watching more Food Network and Lifetime than you ever thought possible."

"My friend, simplify your life. Date the girl or marry her."

"Have fun in your lake of fire, sinner."

"In two words: separate bathrooms."

"The problem with living together beforehand and the reason all of the research says it is detrimental is that it builds a 'backdoor mentality' into the relationship."

"Still need to see pics before I give my perspective."

"Whatever you do, don't buy Clapton/Winwood tickets for you and an old college buddy assuming she wouldn't want to go because she listens to a lot of crappy music and doesn't even know who Traffic or Blind Faith is."

"Dating isn't anywhere in the ballpark of marriage. Because when you make those vows, there is no backstop, alternative, or exit strategy."

"When I use the bathroom, hell, that side of the house is off-limits. She will LOVE to corner you in the can, so establish some rules early."

"I lived with a girlfriend for a year. Suffice to say it didn't work out. In fact, when she moved out, she moved to INDIA. As in, NEXT TO PAKISTAN. As in, SHE WENT TO LIVE IN A BUDDHIST MONASTERY."

"You said she wanted at least an engagement ring prior to cohabitating. Well that nails it. She's traditional. It doesn't matter if you understand it. The sooner you learn to pay attention to THEIR value systems instead of trying to reason with them and change them, the better off you'll be."

"If you're planning on getting married anyways, then might as well do it. It's a great way to save money for the ring. I will caution you however. If you are supposed to be saving for a ring, then she will nitpick every little thing that you buy for yourself. Come home with a new pitching wedge? I DON'T THINK SO ASSHOLE!"

"Think of it this way, you're out with a couple of buddies. If a chick wants you to go home with her, are you going to do it, figuring your girlfriend won't find out because you have a great alibi and friends who will confirm your story? If you will, the answer is don't move in with her yet. If you don't think you will, the answer is don't move in with her yet. If you know you will not, it's probably okay to start thinking about moving in with her."

"I only have to visit her apartment, ride in her car, and observe her spending habits to figure out how she manages her household and see if it complements my own habits or not. I need only visit her family, church, and hometown to see if her values are similar to my own."

"By the way, the costs of breaking a cohabitation are going to surpass what you may save in rent."

"Just because you don't have any, doesn't mean her values are less correct or less important. Your enlightenment is worthless."

Right about here, the original poster comes back and says, "Alright dudes. Well, I will be moving in with my girlfriend and I am looking forward to it. I think my girlfriend is the greatest woman ever born and I don't think there is anything we can't handle. We filled out an application last night and are both really excited. Keep it real." A few posts later, he's back again. "UPDATE: We just got approved for the apartment. My realtor buddy is hooking us up with a $1,200 realtor rebate. 50 inch plasma?"

It was, beyond a doubt, a testosterone-powered thread, but once it was clear that the cohabitation was going to happen, it was a woman's voice offering best wishes and pragmatism, with this: "I wish you guys the best of luck. My advice: keep your finances separate, put both names on the lease, and don't get a puppy."